My third child is having a much different experience than my first two. My three kids are 13, 10, and 5-years old. So some of the difference can be chocked up to common lived experience and the natural aging process that brings wisdom and discernment (ok, maybe less wisdom and more realistic expectations). But a lot of that is a by-product of everything I have learned in the last 4 years that has helped me to improve my own emotional regulation and executive functioning skills as well as how to foster it in my kids.
Due to anxiety and wanting to look like we always have it together (bahahahaha) we were carrying a lot of the mental workload for our kids. Morning routines were often us dictating step by step reminders "put on your shoes! Brush your teeth! Put on your clothes!" and double checking all school supplies and homework assignments. If I just described you or your house please hear me, I get it. There are seasons in life when time is short, patience is short, and you always feel behind and we have been there.
What we created were little soldiers constantly awaiting orders (despite the fact that they always hated being told what to do, and fairly often ignored us altogether). They didn't trust themselves to act on their own and we were all exhausted and frustrated.
After getting into my coursework on ADHD and executive functioning I knew we needed to change some things up. A quick switch up was trying to ask questions more than we gave orders. "Put on your shoes" became "what do you need to do next?". We had visual checklists and incentives and we tried to offer choices instead of using punishment. The adjustment took time but it has made a huge difference to my family.
I also became more intentional about staying tuned into my own emotions and noticed more of my triggers that keep me from being able to manage the big emotions from my kids. Having more grace and patience for myself gave me more for my family and has made a huge difference.
This is an ongoing process that shifts as my kids age and more responsibilities are added to them based on their abilities. We don't always do it right. But we are always trying. Unless we are tired and then we take turns walking around the block and then try again.
My kids have systems that work for them and we all feel less stressed out. My overtired brain feels less taxed and my kids are learning tools and strategies that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives (future roommates/spouses/co-workers we got you!).
There is so much more I could say about what these tools have done for my family, and I hope to continue to do that through this blog, sessions with you or your child, and through my courses.
I know how tiring everything can be, and I would love to help. I'm beyond excited to help families decrease the tension in the house and be able to increase independence, self-esteem and grit. It is never to late to try something new.
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